Trials and tribulations

I have treatment-resistant depression. Like many I've grappled with my diagnosis; on the one hand I have words to describe how I feel, and on the other I feel a burden of not feeling well enough.

During a particularly challenging time in late 2022, I looked at ways I could take back control of my diagnosis, aside from the talking and SSRIs - expert by experience opportunities. And in doing so, I came across an advert for participants with treatment-resistant depression to be involved in a clinical study at King's College London's Clinical Research Facility exploring brain function and cognitive responses when taking controlled doses of ketamine.

They say don't do drugs, but if it's the switch that prevents me going to in to void, dose me up. After a screening period, I entered the research facility to do some baseline assessments of my bloods, urine sample (no recreational drugs), and my cognition, before heading for the first of 3 MRI scans.

If you haven't had the pleasure of being strapped to a gurney with a heart rate monitor, and padded earmuffs, whilst a bleep test literally rattles you in a cage, you're in for an experience. I'd recently had the pleasure of seeing Beyonce's Renaissance Tour, so to centre myself I imagined I was an Alien Superstar in the portal of her mind. With a clicker box at my side, I completed tasks hitting the buttons when a shape appeared on a screen reflected in front of me, and identifying the gender and emotions of black & white photos flashing on screen. About an hour after entering the portal, I was pulled out back to reality.

Returning for my first round of (double blind) dosing I was hooked up a slow-release IV drip whilst reclined on a chair-bed.

Brain

I've since joined the King's College London's Clinical Research Facility Patient & Public Involvement group, supporting their Equality, Diversity & Inclusion startegy.